Choose your 2008

On the eve of 2008, I thought it would only be appropriate to take a step back, reflect on the highlights of this past year -- big and small triumphs -- and choose one thing to focus on being next year.

One of the keys to setting sustainable goals is to view them as being part of our selves, the BEING, instead of assigning them an external role, the DOING. Here's an example. Say I am graduating from medical school and I set a goal of being the best doctor out there (read: my goal is to DO the role of the doctor to perfection). What if something happens that makes it impossible for me to be a doctor? All hope for my future will be crushed!

Instead, let's say that I decide upon my graduation to set my focus on helping to heal people. If something gets in the way of my being a doctor, I could still consider being an acupuncturist, a counselor, a volunteer at a center for troubled youth. There are many different ways of externally manifesting that internal attitude of healing -- and I have just set myself an achievable, fulfilling goal.

It takes a while to think about how you truly want to BE. Keep it simple, and choose to embrace that internal attitude each day when you wake up. As you do this, the attitude becomes part of your being. If you choose to make 2008 the year of joy, start by smiling. Each day, remind yourself to smile at a stranger. Sooner or later, it'll become a habit and you're going to be joyful and spreading joy without realizing it. Or, if you choose to make 2008 the year of action, start saying yes. Try something new once a week -- that new restaurant, that coffee date with the neighbor, that job interview. You might be surprised with how quickly you break out of your status quo, and how fresh life feels!

Claim 2008. Choose to have your best New Year.

Quote of the Week: “If you wait, all that happens is that you get older.” – Larry McMurtry

A Different Kind of Gift

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or just enjoy the company of your family & friends during the last month of the year, the idea of gift-giving isn't far from our minds during December.

The US National Retail Federation is expecting overall holiday shopping to top $470 billion in 2007 (or, $815 per consumer), an increase of 4% over 2006 despite rising gas prices and mortgage issues. At least $30bn of that spending is expected from online shopping; according to Shop.org, 72 million Americans plan to shop via the computer this year.

What struck me was that while we're buying "stuff" to show people we care, in our increasingly busy world, maybe we're also making up for all the other times we haven't been there for them throughout the year. In addition, while I hate pushing through crowds in the mall, I realized I was isolating myself by shopping online, missing out on smiling at fellow shoppers and seeing joyful kids sitting on Santa's lap at the mall. No wonder the holidays have felt less pure as I've gotten older.

I wanted to get some of that magical sparkle back into my December so I brainstormed ways to show I care without maxing out the plastic. Looking back, I know I was touched when that super busy friend made time for a relaxed 1x1 dinner date. I loved the home-made chocolate chip cookies we got from our neighbor. I even enjoyed the old-fashioned hour-long phone call with my mother, when she listened to all of my latest updates.

So here's the not-so-secret I discovered: In this month of consumption and endless parties, some of the best memories I have, and the best gifts I have received, are actually the connection I have felt from someones time & attention. How can you show someone you care this season?

Quote of the Week: " The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention." - Richard Moss

Guilt Free

So here we are, rapidly approaching the US shipping deadlines for the holiday season, juggling the calendar to fit in holiday parties, gift shopping, card writing, and vacation planning. Have you ever stopped to figure out why, despite the exhaustion, December's schedule is still usually so much more pleasant than the same stressful busy-ness of the rest of the year?

One major reason is that we are not following arbitrary guidelines that we think others have set for us -- that guilt that leads us to do things because we think we must, should, ought to, and have to. Instead, the holidays bring on a sense of cheer and warmth and festivity, and WE CHOOSE what to do to embody that spirit.

You normally feel awful if you don't respond to emails in 5 minutes, but this month you stretch that to 24 hours because you're writing cards & sending letters to keep up with friends the old fashioned way. You don't feel guilty about spending money on gifts for your family and close friends, because you are excited to show them your thoughtfulness. You go for that extra cup of calorie-stuffed egg nog, because you are celebrating with friends. There's no law saying you must or mustn't do any of this, and you're freely following your own choices!

How would it feel to remove the word "guilt" from your motivational lexicon not just during the holidays, but through the rest of the year? How about saying yes to the things that you want to do, and then be comfortable saying no to the other things that don't fit into your absolute yes list?

Happy shopping, and happy shipping.

Quote of the Week: “Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway.” -- Isabelle Holland

Laughter

Imagine someone told you that there was one thing you could do every day that would decrease stress, make you look younger, lower your risk of heart disease, lower your blood pressure, increase lung capacity, reduce pain levels, and help you connect with people around you - all without taking a single pill. Would you do it?

The amazing thing is, it's something we all used to do a lot when we were children. In fact, studies show that children do this 10 times more frequently than adults.

It's laughter.

When did we start taking ourselves so seriously that we forgot to laugh?! It's a great feeling, finding yourself laughing so hard that you're wiping tears away, gasping for breath as you nearly fall out of your chair. Think of all the oxygen you take into your cells when you laugh like that, breathing from your stomach. It all goes to help your energy and vitality.

So if you don't sit next to a stand-up comedian at work, how do you start getting into the habit of laughter? Start smiling, spend time with children/funny people, and develop your own sense of humor. Consider sharing your embarrassing moments with others; you'll take yourself less seriously.

Quote of the Week: " I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose." - Woody Allen

Why Parents Get Grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May i speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle...

"They're looking for me."

Courtesy of Good Clean Funnies List.

Intentions

As we head into the holidays, setting your intentions might help you get over the frustration of the lines and traffic and congestion. A fairly grounded friend told me about a conference which opened by having the audience members turn to a stranger, hold their eyes for three minutes, and say - out loud - "we have both experienced love, we have both experienced pain, we have both experienced joy, we have both experienced frustration..." As goofy as it sounds, hearing the similarities of the human experience gave my friend a tremendous sense of compassion for her partner - so much so that after the three minutes, they hugged, no longer complete strangers.

Compassion is just one type of intention, one of the many "tinted glasses" through which to view the world. Love, peace, appreciation, gratefulness... How do you want to approach this season, and how will you show it?

Here's an example. When the haggard mom drags her screaming toddler onto the airplane - and we've all been there, rolling our eyes, hoping they don't sit near us - you might use your compassion to realize that the mother is feeling mortified and helpless, knowing how disruptive her family is to the other passengers. Maybe you give the mother a kind smile, or offer some candy to calm the toddler down, or lend her your magazine when the kid falls asleep. If you were that mother, surely kind actions from a stranger like this would be a story you'd remember for years to come.

Quote of the Week: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Gandhi

Corporate Counter-Culture

I just read a fascinating article on energy management in the Harvard Business Review, discussing a program researchers conducted at Wachovia Bank in 2006.

Our bodies run on “ultradian rhythm,” basically a 90 to 120 minute cycle where we move from high energy to low energy. Signals of the low state include yawning, hunger, and difficulty concentrating.

If you ignore these low points and keep pushing through instead of stopping to recharge, you draw down your energy reserves and often feel exhausted by the end of the day. How many of us have been there?

However, the program showed that if you set up a ritual that fully disengages you – even for a few minutes – from the task you were working on, you end up with higher, more sustainable performance & productivity. You might even find a creative solution to the problem you were grappling with. Breaks include taking a walk around the building, laughing with a colleague, or holing up in a conference room to listen to your theme song on your iPod.

Perhaps taking breaks is against your corporate culture, but given the success of this program, maybe, just maybe, it’s worth experimenting with yourself. You may end up being positively surprised!

Quote of the Week: “If you never budge, don’t expect a push.” –Malcolm S Forbes

The Ripple Effect

Have you ever noticed how aggressive you feel after someone cuts you off, tailgates you, or nearly crashes into you when they forget to obey the yield sign? Your defenses go up, your heart is racing, and you’re probably going to lean on the horn when the next driver even comes close. The ripple effect has been set in motion.

However, how quickly does your mood settle back into compassion if that other driver gives you a wave of apology, recognizing their mistake? If you’re like most, it probably settles you right down and nips the ripple in the bud.

If little acts like a wave can offset the aggression of self-defense, how much more uplifting would a kind word or deed be on its own?

Imagine how comfortable you would be walking into the elevator if the person inside acknowledged you and said “good morning.” Or consider the pleasant surprise for the person driving through a toll booth behind one of my college roommates, who throws in enough change to cover both cars. You might even see the odd New Yorker sprinting toward the subway doors, only to step aside and wait for the older lady behind her with an "after you."

I would imagine that if I were on the receiving end of these acts, I’d be more likely to be in a positive mindset and, in turn, do a kind deed for someone else. What will you do to set the ripples in motion today?

Quote of the Week: “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” – Mother Theresa

Engaging

Pop Quiz: Of all the news items you’ve read in the last 24 hours, how many specific details can you remember?

I just read an interesting article that said that an increasingly large number of people do not read -- or more importantly, engage themselves with -- the news.

Among teens, 60 percent paid minimal or no attention to news; for adults 30 or younger, the figure was 48 percent, and for older adults 23 percent. (Harvard Magazine)

While I'm not suggesting that we have to be up-to-date on current events to lead a happy, fulfilled life, there's something to be said about being engaged in the world around us. Thinking requires time and effort, but if we don’t learn from what’s happening now, how can we plan for a better future?

We've all been there, quoting that one headline so that it sounds like we have our finger on the pulse. On the other hand, we’ve also had conversations with someone who articulates the details and perspectives in a given article. What better way to learn than to engage in dialogue about a subject, the same way I've shared the above article with you?

If learning is important to you, please consider the following: In the next article you read, what detail stands out? What questions does that detail trigger? When will you engage someone in a deep, if brief, conversation to get another perspective?

This investment of a few minutes a day can help us to stay informed and better armed to shape our own futures!

Quote of the Week: "Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few people engage in it." - Henry Ford

Celebrate

Imagine the following scenarios:

You get a phenomenal promotion at work. You give your boss a cool thanks. You go home and during the course of regular conversation with your parents/significant other/friend, you just casually mention it, to keep them updated. You go to sleep and get up for work the next day.

Or,

you get a phenomenal promotion at work. You give your boss a huge smile and a strong handshake. You go home and as soon as you walk in the door you make a HUGE fist pump, shout “yeah!!” and call your parents/significant other/friend to share your excitement. You make time for a little celebration, go to sleep, and get up for work the next day.

Which way do you feel that you’ve achieved more?

It makes me wonder why we often brush our emotions under the carpet. Maybe we're too busy to take that extra moment. Maybe we think that showing emotions is a sign of weakness. On the other hand, how much strength and integrity does it take to live true to your self? Doesn’t it take courage to mourn your losses, and confidence to celebrate your achievements?

Seems to me that having a cathartic cry or a good old belly laugh connects you with the joys and sorrows that life has to bring. What a great way to reinforce how strong and alive you are!

What will you find to celebrate this week?

Quote of the Week: “Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart, don’t know how to laugh either.” – Golda Meir

Gratitude

Several of my clients noticed this week that they were fixated on the negatives in life, and that it was dragging their energy down. Seems only natural – most of us are running around putting fires out at work, only to rush home and try to manage things there as well. We’re constantly trying to fix situations and make things better.

That, though, supposes that things aren’t okay the way they are.

What if we were to flip that notion on its head, and spend one moment a day thinking about the things that ARE okay – even awesome - the way they are?

Experiment with me for the next week. Designate one particular time each day (say, when you’re brushing your teeth) to think about three things that day that you are thankful for.

Seems like it'll be good practice for Thanksgiving, so I’m excited to see if I can keep this up. For today, I’m thankful that I had some money to deposit in the bank, that I had a fun and productive meeting with a usually tough homeowners association, and that I went shopping and found blueberries that weren’t covered in mold.

Now, if only I could do something about that guy who cut me off on the way to the shop!!

Quote of the Week: “Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.” - John Wooden

Community

As people grow, satisfaction with friendships and support networks can shift. For some, the person who used to be their favorite partying buddy is now a drain on their wallet. For others, the person who used to be their confidante at a previous job no longer “gets them.” It can be difficult to cut out unhealthy relationships, and it’s possible to lose sight of the support network you DO have set up around you.

One of my favorite books (Take Time for Your Life, by Cheryl Richardson) has an interesting exercise. The author asks you to take inventory of the people who are already a part of your life. If you are interested, I invite you to whip out a piece of paper and list individuals who apply to each category.

My family, or chosen family consists of:
Children I love to spend time with include:
Close friends with whom I can share my heart and soul are:
My spiritual community consists of:
My professional community includes:
Acquaintances include:

When you take a step back and look at these lists, what jumps out at you?

Do you have an abundance of names in one area but not in another? Are there relationships you’d like to have more of? Is there someone you want to bring back into your life? Is there anybody you should remove from the list? Are there people on your list with whom you’d like to connect more deeply?

This was a helpful exercise for me when we first moved to Phoenix. My husband and I did not know a single person here, and I was feeling lonely – like the move had taken me away from a huge network of close friends. When I did this exercise, I was surprised to find that I actually only had a handful of friends that I wanted to bare my soul to. What I did have was a huge network of acquaintances, some who also stimulated me in areas like my new profession and spirituality. These people were part of a well-rounded virtual community, and I was most definitely not alone. I suddenly appreciated all of the people I was keeping in touch with, and realized that what I was missing was a community to share activities with. Now, my neighbor and I go hiking every Saturday morning, I’ve found a great yoga class in the area, and we’ve found another couple to hit the local restaurants with. Without this, I might have gone on feeling like the move had cost me my closest friends!!

Quote of the Week: “Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything at all.” - Muhammad Ali

Support

My husband is training for the Phoenix marathon, something I would never in a million years do myself. In the spirit of pom-pom wielding cheerleader, I looked into what I could do to support him.

In my searches, I came across a tremendously inspiring father-son duo, Team Hoyt. Together, Dick and Rick have completed 216 triathalons, 65 marathons, 81 half marathons, and biked and run across the US in 45 consecutive days -- all with exceptional personal best times.

These numbers are all the more amazing when you consider that Rick can’t walk or talk. Using his interactive computer, Rick once asked his father if they could enter a five mile benefit run for a paralyzed sports player. Afterwards, Rick told his father he didn’t feel handicapped when they were competing.

To help Rick continue his athletic achievements, Dick Hoyt has dedicated himself to pushing and pulling his son across hundreds of finish lines. In return, Rick’s humor, love of sports and competition keeps his father going.

We all need a community of people to help us reach our goals. More often than not, the support goes both ways.

Check out this inspiring 4-minute video, see past the religious music, and try not to cry: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gm7XwtIJdM

Then think about the following:
* In what ways do others support and inspire you in reaching your goals?
* What are you doing right now to support someone else?